LITTLE SATURDAY, BIG SATURDAY

Things to do today, as soon as I get my ass up from this worn out computer chair:

1. Take a bath. Make that shower. Two minutes, max, because all that needs done is my hair getting wet to undo the possibility of bad hair day.

2. Wear white shorts, white shirt, white sneakers. No, I won't be playing tennis. I just love wearing all white on a Saturday morning.

3. Go to a nearby jeweler to buy battery for my dead diver's watch. No, I don't dive, or like the watch I'll be dead too. I can barely swim. If I were at a beach wearing diver's watch and a tee that says "South Beach Life Guard" (which happens to be one of my favorite shirts), don't waste precious moments by waving at me frantically when you're being eaten away by rip current. Don't judge a person by his shirt. Or wristwatch.

4. Drive my Mom to the nearest CVS Pharmacy. She complained of bad back the other day and I gave her two strips of my Salonpas. She swore that the strips were the best thing I had given her in her life. Actually she didn't say that. I'm just hearing things.

5. Go to Borders to utilize my 20% coupon. I will buy this book which, based on the first few pages, is the most engaging I will read since Coetzee's Waiting For The Barbarians. It's called Mating, by Norman Rush.

6. Eat sushi at Sushi Rock, or anywhere that serves good fish. My mom loves fish but please, said she, cook it! She will watch me eat sushi.

7. Buy a bag of tennis balls at Sports Authority. Wilson. #4.

8. Drive mom back home. She needs to eat, too.

9. Go to Regal Cinema and watch The Departed AND The Last King of Scotland. I love Martin Scorsese and Forest Whitaker, man.

10. Go home and call some dudette.

This Saturday rocks!